Why i hate movie theaters (Originally posted Nov 25, 2007)

Before i start this rant...it important to know that i originally wrote this in 2004.  Apparantly i passed out mid-sentence, and never finished it.  Now, in November of 2007, i stumbled across this file in my documents, and decided it was time to complete the project.  Literally, two different Jeremy's wrote this blog.  A 180 pound Jeremy, and a 220 pound Jeremy.  Its funny though, my opinions on this subject havent waivered one bit tho.  Ok here goes...

I hate going to the movies.  I hate it.  I know it's part of date night, and I know everyone does it, and I know that I'm totally missing out on seeing Spiderman 7 on a giant screen, but I give up.  I'm not going back.  And as you probably realize by now….I'm about to tell you why…. 

(By the way, these reasons I hate the movie theatre, are in no particular order)

1 - I have a fear of commitment.  And sadly enough, I'm not being funny.  For whatever selfish unknown reason, I would rather not force myself to sit in one chair for 2 hours.  I can stop watching a DVD whenever I want.  Come back to it a week later maybe.  Sometimes when im walking down that big curtainy (my spellcheck is going NUTS) hallway to the theatre, I start feeling a little panicked.  A trickle of sweat forms on my brow.  I start to think…I could probably still back out.  We could take the nachos home! Give the movie tickets to a homeless person.  

2 - I hate the moment I turn the corner to walk up the stairs, and see all of the other people in the theatre staring at me.  Then I have to act all cool, as I don't want to be that couple that stands there like idiots with a blank stare trying to figure out where they can sit.  Really, in order to look smooth, you should NEVER lose stride…just turn the corner, pray you don't drop your 25 cent hotdog swimming in mustard…and glide straight to your seat, almost as if it were reserved for you.  NEVER stop on the stairs and go back down to a different seat.  Only the unorganized fools do that.

3 – I hate the smell of the nachos even though for some reason they taste like heavenly crunchy crispy Tostitos with golden velvety cheese flowing across their rugged peaks.  But they still stink like one hundred gypsy's butts.  Because that golden velvety cheese actually comes from a giant aluminum can that says NACHO CHEESE on the label.  And those crunchy chips are actually Tostitos from Kroger that have been under a heat lamp.  And that smell on your breath?  Oh, lets face it, it's not going anywhere.   Yep, I'm a genious…I've just shoveled down the grittiest, fattiest, funkiest food known to man, right after I've COMMITED to sitting in a large crowd of people for two hours without a toothbrush in sight.  And even I…and this is saying something…REFUSE to touch the popcorn.  Not because it doesn't taste like heaven, but because the smell it leaves in your body is so horrendous, that your smoky, buttery breath can actually be SEEN with just the right lighting.

4 – I hate other people.  This one is so obvious.  And if you've ever been to the movies with me, I'm pretty sure I felt compelled to share this opinion with you…out loud… around the other people…  Seriously though, I do not like standing next to someone in an elevator, just because I don't want to be next to an idle person long enough to be able to catch that gust of a breeze that is carrying the exact smell of their bodies right into my nose.  In the movies, not only do you have to breathe in their B.O., but you KNOW they have gas!!! YOU KNOW THEY DO!!!..........you know they do.  Once I was sitting in a theatre having a GREAT time, because we were the only people in there, when in walks some lonely strange man, which will probably be me someday.  I'm looking at this guy, thinking…why…why are you here alone watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective at 3:00 on a Wednesday??  Then, the worst thing happened.  Even though we were sitting on the next to the top row…he just HAD to be at the very top…and he sat right behind us.  WE WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE THERE.  Just this little triangle of people.  Me, the girl, and the strange man.  After waiting the usual 3.5 minutes, I leaned over to my date and whisper the famous movie theatre words, "So, you wanna move?"…Like he didn't know what I was saying…  Anyways, we sat there the whole movie, which at the time was very funny, and this guy NEVER LAUGHS.  Looming directly between our heads, I waited patiently for the knife to plunge into my neck.  Needless to say, it never did.  In fact, to this day I believe it may have been her dad.

5 – Sorry I got off subject.  This next reason may still be linked to 4, but I just cant let it go. I hate other people.  I hate the man that sits down next to me with his 9 year old daughter at "The Ring", and has to explain to her what is happening, and why its not real, and how it's just a movie.  And to top it off, he has seen it already, so he generally lets her know WHATS ABOUT TO HAPPEN, to keep her from being to scared.  I hate the giant black woman who has decided she dislikes other people so much, that she is going to intentionally have a conversation with her friend that has nothing to do with the movie, for the entire length of the movie!!!  And then she has NO desire to put her phone on vibrate, and not only does it ring 12 times, but SHE DOESN'T MISS A CALL!!!  This happens quite often, and if you've ever been to a movie in Jackson, MS, you've got about a 96% chance it will happen to you.  This is what you hear, right after she answers the cell phone…

"I'M IN A MOOVY!" …short pause

"I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW!"…

"I SAID I'M IN A MOOOVY!"….

"A MOOVY!!!!!!!!"….

"WHY YOU CANT HEAR ME SAY IM IN A MOOVEY?"

…longer pause…

"OH NO HE DI'UNT"…

"GIRL PUT HIM ON THE PHONE" 

Never heard what happens after this, as im generally down by the bottom row headed for the exit… 

I also hate the group of attention starved 16 year olds that walks in about 10 minutes into the movie.  Usually about 6 guys, 3 girls, which is a really bad sign, as to the level of competition.  You see, these guys are still at the age where they don't have enough confidence to go two full hours without worrying that one of the girls isn't looking at them.  So they have to be CRAZY COOL, and make fart noises and giggle, maybe get up and jump over the back of their chair once or twice to go to the restroom.  Then they might decide to toss some popcorn over their heads and let it land on the people behind them.   But that part I understand…because at 16 it's very important to prove to your female friends, that you are brave enough to toss popcorn in a grown black man's face. Generally that doesn't make the girl uncomfortable at all…it just makes her want you!   TIP! One time this happened in a semi-crowded theatre, and the stupid kids were making noise and moving around, the usual stuff, and I was sitting in the back, far enough to where they couldn't really tell what I looked like….so in the deepest voice I could muster, with a slight African-American dialect, I yelled loudly, "SIT YO A** DOWN…FOOL"  (I later found out from my girlfriend that I sounded a lot like Mr. T)  But it worked.  Not a peep the rest of the movie.  Nobody wants a whoopin from Mr. T.

6 – Last but not least, I don't like going to the movies, because my sister might be there! Actually Misty at the movie theater is a classic.  I don't know what happened in her childhood to make her this way, but no one in the world get's engrossed in a movie like Misty does.  When she is into a movie, she actually starts to believe a little, that she is there, in the movie itself.  Time and space around her seem to vacuum away into nothingness, and Misty stops blinking for a good 2 hours.  If it's a funny movie, Misty laughs the loudest in the theater.  If it's a cartoon funny movie, Misty pee's on herself.  If the movie is intense or scary, Misty actually covers her eyes with her hands, and peeks through her fingers every 10 seconds or so.  SHE DOESN'T JUST CLOSE HER EYELIDS!!! She actually extends her elbows and places her fingers in front of her face, as if the ghosts are going to pry her eyelids open and make her watch!?!?   Mom told me a story of a time she and Misty went to see "The Green Mile".  If you remember the movie, mid-way through, the huge giant guy opens his mouth and green sparkles fly out.  That very moment provides a pretty strange twist into what was originally a pretty believable movie.  As the crowded theater sat quietly and mesmerized at the crazy turn of events, Misty (not whispering) blurts out, "WHAT THE CRAP WAS THAT?"  Mom sank into her chair and hid her face, while Misty never even realized she actually said anything out loud.  That may be the one time I wish I had gone to a movie!!  (By the way, if you want to know more about Misty and her issues with life, you can find her at www.myspace.com/misgav...she is either blogging right now, or living somewhere in a cartoon.)

None-the less, for some stupid reason, I will still occasionally find myself sitting in a theatre, slurping down a $12 coke in a container the size of a medium-sized trashcan…and eating nachos that actually make my face fatter BEFORE THE MOVIE ENDS.  And of course, no matter what, something bad is going to happen.  I know this going in.  But even though I don't care for the smell of human urine, and im going to get to sit arm in arm next to a person I would cross the street not to walk next to…I still need to experience the "magic of the movies" every now and then....and i know the reason why.  Its the same reason we all go to the wretched place.  To make out with someone in a public place of course.  Plus i'd really like to find out just where my sister goes for those 2 hours.  It seems like a fun place...

...but ill never stop hating it.