Ok, I've kept this bottled up inside for WAY too long. It's time to talk about it...
I was born without any nipples.
Yes, I said it.
When i first realized it, i was ok with it, because I was only eight years old, and eight year olds have really small nipples anyways.
But then when i turned 14, I decided i needed nipples. Not that they have any real purpose for a guy, but it was just pretty embarrassing when i would go swimming, and the pink magic marker would start to smear. Then people started to think my nipples were melting.
So for my 18 birthday, my dad bought me a nipple. They are VERY expensive, so we couldnt afford both. (Of course, now you can buy them on E-Bay for a buck fifty, but back then, nips were hard to come by) So since i could only have one nipple, i decided to put it in the middle of my chest, since i really couldnt decide whether to make it a right or left nipple.
That was a bad idea. People called me the one eyed nipple monster...NippleZit....and other mean things. All because i decided to wear a mesh shirt on Senior Picture Day.
Well, by the time i got a job, and started making money, I realized I needed to get the nipple problem fixed, and since it would look really stupid to have the nipple taken off and sewn back on, I just had the doctors stretch my chest skin over to the left about 3 inches. Then i got the 2nd nipple insertion (that is the technical term), placing it in the correct spot, giving me two normal nipples.
When i woke up from the surgery, i was ecstatic to see that I finally had a normal looking nipular area (technical term again). But when i got home and looked in the mirror, i realized my belly button was now on my hip. APPARENTLY...which they could have told me before i went under the nipple knife...you cant move your chest skin without moving your stomach skin unless you remove 6 ribs and a pancreas. Honestly, i probably would had them extract the organs, had they just given me the option...but NOOOO.
But I have the last laugh! I found SKIN COLORED PLAYDOUGH and filled the abnormally placed bellybutton making it virtually invisible. Except when i shower, sweat, run, breathe deep, and swim. And also about every 3 hours the Playdough gets hard and crunchy and falls out. But other than that, my hip looks totally normal!
So i know you are now wondering, what did I do about the fact that I'm still missing a bellybutton in the normal place on my stomach? Nothing. I have no belly button. And you know why? Because if you want to judge a normal guy with normal nipples just because he is missing the hole in the stomach and he smells like Playdough, then YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD. You are shallow...and if the day ever comes that bellybuttons ARENT cool....well...let's just say that I will be the first one to buy a cut off T-Shirt and parade around town.
Until then...please don't tell anyone about my little problem.
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