Seriously...i did it. I mean...ive cut my hair before, which wasnt a good thing. It usually ended up looking like i had tire tracks all around my hair in giant wierd random circles. The more i cut, the worse it got, so i just shaved out my bald spot a little bigger to hopefully put more notice on the bald and less on the Nascar hair cut. Either way, i spent the next day trying to look at everyone from a 30 degree angle only, and that can be very wierd managing a restaurant.
But i smartened up. Yep. I went to Target and bought a hair cutting kit for like 35 dollars. Apparently this kit gives even the ordinary Joe Schmoe like me the ability to neatly cut and trim my own hair. Wow, and only $35. And that gay guy on the box obviously did an INCREDIBLE job cutting HIS own hair. But deep down i feel like T.J. probably had Brett help him a little. That photo is just TOO perfect.
Still, as great as this deal may seem to everyone reading this, one thing the box failed to mention was that no matter how double jointed you are, or how many times you spin around really fast...its physically impossible to see the back of your own head without two very large mirrors. Needless to say, "The Amazing Haircutter" (actual name) did not include a large self standing mirror. (Though it did include a small, self-manicuring razor, for those "hard to reach places")
Anyways.
So i improvised. I took my small circular mirror, that i got for Christmas from my Dad one year, thanks dad, and I held it with with my left (non-scissor) hand. **Side note - Do not use the 15x enlarged, flourescent lit side of the mirror when cutting your own hair. Only use that side when you want to see just how disgusting the pores on your face really are, or you are very curious about the intricate details of "those hard to reach places"** SOOO then I turned around backwards and looked into the big mirror, while i cut into my hair and scalp with the other (scissored) hand.
*Curse word(s)*
So somehow once again, ive managed to make myself even uglier. Ill be feeling REALLY good about myself come tomorrow when i wake up and find loose hairs all over my pillow and reach around back to realize...it wasnt a dream...i really did cut a giant triangle into the back of my head..(which apparently is pink, not white...why is my scalp pink?)
Thank GOODNESS i have some blondish-brown colored pencils. Now if i can just get someone to hold that mirror while i sketch my hair back. If that doesnt work I plan on plucking about 15 straws out of my kitchen broom, and gluing them to my gaping hole of skin.
Your life isnt that bad...see? I think i need a wife..or at least an illegimate child or something. Even a black one or a Jew would be fine. As long as they can climb up a stepstool and draw Daddy's hair, we will get along JUST fine.
Well...and they have to sleep on my poker table...and they cant watch any channels on my TV above 301. Well, i guess now that it's been brought up, there will other rules too...but I'll leave those for another Blog entry later, that I will entitle, "The fifty rules for my illegimate half black/half Jew 19 year old adopted son"
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