Its rare i participate in these things...but this one is pretty serious.
In fact, its so serious, that im starting the ban on Walgreens myself. Hopefully once people read my story, we will all join together, and put this sick franchise out of business.
I will try to describe this as accurately as possible, but i dont remember the exact details, because i was so overwhelmed.
I was standing on aisle 11. Toothpaste in front of me to be exact. I had noticed when i walked in, that the music playing was extremely corny and irritating, and kind of loud. Some 1964 song was playing and it would probably be in my top 5 most annoying sounds on the earth, right behind nails on a chalkboard, and the sound of my skull being cracked with a hammer. But it was just a song. Nothing offensive. Just irritating.
But the song was annoying enough to draw my attention to the music...which ive learned by working in a restaurant is not the point of the music. The music is there to cover up noise of the employees. Not to make you skip down the aisles snapping your fingers and whistling like a gay schoolboy on his way to a Dolly Parton concert.
Sorry, im off track...
Back to the toothpaste. So im staring at the new Lever 2000 toothpaste (which im imagining tastes like soap), trying to decide if i want to get the Rain Forest or the Swiss Cheese flavor...when the song changes.
I dont know if it was intentional or not (i dont think walgreens has DJ's that play records live), but the next song on seemed to be targeted DIRECTLY at me. It just so happens that i'm the only person in Walgreens at the time (other than the gigantic black lady cashier, who was very rude i might add). And i wish i had found a way to write down the lyrics to the song, but the aisle with the pens and paper (and candy, magazines, tampons, toys, and car air fresheners) was pretty far away, and i was too startled to react.
But the next song, which sounded like it was sung by some guy named Dickie Van Winkle back in 1860, was EXTREMELY OFFENSIVE.
Ill admit, to some people, they might not notice it. But when im staring at toothpaste, wondering what happened to my life, angry that im only buying toothpaste for one person, AND angry that somehow im still alive...the following lyrics don't sit well....
(As i said before, i don't remember the song...its a blur...but i do remember these lines)
- I'm all alone
- I'm so lonely
- I miss you so much
- How did i get so fat (not sure if this was in the song, or in my head)
- Why dont you love me anymore
- I'm all alone
- I'm so lonely
- I'm going to die without you
- My life is hollow and empty with or without you (may not be accurate)
- I'm so lonely
- Life isn't worth living in a one bedroom apartment with only one toothbrush (again, a little foggy on the accuracy)
- Brenda please come to the front of the store, i needs to go pee again. (this was in a different voice than the singers, and sounded like the fat lady that checked me out)
- I miss you
- I cant believe im not married and everyone else is.
- At least im not at Walgreens wearing an Old Navy T-Shirt right now shopping for Lever 2000 toothpaste (this is where i became convinced this song might be directed at me)
- I'd rather be divorced and re-married, and then divorced again, and then re-married to my first wife only to realize that she hadnt changed, and then divorced again, and then appear on the Jerry Springer Show...than to be without you for one more second.
- I'm too sexy for my pajamas
- Why can't i just pretend im happy like my friends do?
- I miss you
- Kill me here and now
- Why is the entire back wall of Walgreens covered in gigantic angled mirrors. Woo-woo. Now everyone can see my bald spot. (Thinking back, im pretty sure this wasnt in the song)
- I didn't feel lonely until i heard myself sing this song.
- I still don't like your mom, but i love you.
- This song sucks and Walgreens sucks and mirrors suck.
And that's all i can remember. It was quite a detailed song.
None-the-less, I got some revenge on Walgreens, as i stole BOTH flavors of the new Lever 2000 toothpaste, thanks to my baggy jeans, and oversized Old Navy T-Shirt. (shut up it used to be oversized)
So im asking for your help. Please help me put Walgreens (and their DJ's) out of business forever, before they expand and become powerful with locations all over the US and Canada. It's not too late.
Thank you.
Jeremy
PS - Dear Rude Fat Black Lady with a Bladder Problem. Even though i acted nice, i still don't like you. I wish Brenda didn't work in the photo department and you did...because in this day and age, i would really never have a reason to go to the photo department, seeing as how i have a computer and you can buy a digital camera for like 50 bucks.
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