Begging for Subscribers - July 6, 2006

Throw me a friggin bone here man!!!  Recently i have had a few people tell me they thought my blogs were funny, or entertaining, or at the least...legible.  Yet, no one is willing to push that little button on my page that says, "Subscribe to this Blog".  Sheesh.  Its one button. 

If you subscribe to my blog, you will be notified whenever i post a new one.  That isnt the important part.  What matters is that IT WOULD REALLY MAKE ME FEEL POPULAR!  Geez, im trying to grow a little self-esteem here.


You see, I was born in a wheelchair.  I've never had more than $546 dollars at one time.  I was kidnapped at the age of 22.  My dad dated a girl younger than me.  Im bald.  One year for Christmas I got a #4 from Taco Bell.  (Not Supersized)  My first kiss was with my sister, and we were both over the age of 18, which apparently is illegal.  I have an extremely large head, and my neck often gets very tired from the weight.  I was gay for a few hours...in prison of course...well, in a holding cell...I WAS LONELY!!


Here is my point.  If all the people that read my blogs will subscribe, then when i go to bed at night, and hear the voices of my mom saying "Marry a black girl if necessary...just get me some Grandkids you loser" echoing in my head, at least i can say that eleven people subscribed to my blog.  
Lets be honest, Im not likely to score to high in the VOTE FOR THE HOTTIE game...so at least you guys could push that stupid button and read my blogs!!!  The best part is that while you are reading, you can imagine i look just like Jake Gyllenhaal, or Billy Ray Cyrus, or Jack Black, or Marky Mark...or whatever floats your boat.  THATS WHY I PUT UP THE SHADOW PICTURE OF MYSELF!!! 
In fact, if you want to, you can take a piece of chalk and draw in my facial features on your computer screen, or even tape a picture of Samuel L Jackson over my big black head, and pretend your reading the writings of a famous movie star.  

I did some heroin about 15 minutes ago, so Im not sure this is making sense.  Sorry.  OOOH SMILEY FACES.  WHAT FUN!!!

Ive gotta go, there is jello in my hair.  Someone farted here.

I broke my hand - Nov 24, 2006

I broke my hand on my ironing board.  I thought i was doing the right thing when i asked someone to pee on it, but apparently that's only for jellyfish stings.

For the record, im getting a little tired of the old joke, "You broke your right hand?  What are you gonna do on Friday nights now?"  HA HA HA.  Not funny.  I know what you are all implying when you say that, and for the record ill say right here and now...i do NOT sit at home on Friday nights and do Rubik's Cubes.  YES, i have done that before.  And YES, there was a time that i did that for 14 consecutive Friday nights.  And YES, i have a picture of a Rubik's Cube on my wall.  And YES, i peel off all the stickers and put them back on so it will look like i figured it out.  And YES, i have showered with my 3 Rubik's Cubes.  And YES, im still putting together that petition for Kellogg's to make a Rubik's Cube cereal.   And YES, I named my three fish "Cube", "Ix", and "Rube".  And YES, i sometimes use frozen pieces of broken Rubik's Cube as ice for my beverages.  And YES, Rubik's Cube pieces CAN travel through your body and come out the other end.  And YES, they are still the same color.  And YES i once juggled TWO Rubik's Cubes for 7.4 seconds before i lost control.  And YES, Rubik's Cubes can break the front of my fishtank, and send my fish pouring onto the carpet, flopping around for their lives while i scream and hide in the bathroom.  (May you rest in peace "Ix" and "Cube") (Screw you "Rube" i never liked you)  And YES i collect Rubik's Cube T-Shirts and underpants.  And YES, there is a strong possibility that this one stupid blog is going to give my Dad's family SO many ideas as to what to get me for Christmas this year.

BUT NO!  Breaking my hand is NOT going to give me nothing to do on Friday nights!!!  There is always Cinemax after dark (Wink, wink)...and im trained as a lefty... :)

Where did all my blogs go? - March 12, 2007

GEEZ!  I get on MySpace, only to find out that all of the blogs ive posted in the past 3 months NEVER MADE IT!   FOOEY.  I mean, i realize that i havent gone about posting my blogs in the normal way and all, but now a days, you really think you can start to depend on people....

Well i guess i better explain...

So about 3 months back...the NUM LOCK key got stuck on my keyboard.  (i have a rumor as to how that happened, but thats another conversation)...anyways, with my NUM LOCK key, i was obviously screwed.   I only had two options.  #1 Make myself a grilled cheese sandwich, and then go buy a new $395 keyboard...or #2 Make my self a grilled cheese sandwich, and then go to my mom's and use her keyboard and computer to post all of my random thoughts. 

SO?  I made my myself a grilled cheese sandwich...and then i fell asleep.  For about a day.  BUT!  Once i arose and peeled the grilled cheese crust off of my forehead, i decided to head straight to mom's to express myself through the art of BLOGGING.  Ironically, i also chose to express myself through the art of CLOGGING as well...funny how that rhymes.   (Notice i did not choose to go JOGGING...since it isnt very artistic, and it makes me see angels floating around me, right before the darkness comes)

ANYWAYS...im rambling....So i began to type furiously at my mom's computer.  LOLing all the way through.  Those were some funny funny times.  When i finished each blog, i sent them directly to my mom's email address (IGaveBirthToThatHead@aol.com) for her to proofread, post on Myspace, and distribute amongst her many colleagues at the massage parlor where she works.

Little did i know, that Mom has turned recently to a life of crime and deception.  Her addiction to caffiene and Everybody Loves Raymond has spiral well out of control, unbenownst to her close friends and family.  I was the one to discover this unfortuantly, when i walked into her den, unannounced, and caught her injecting Mountain Dew into her veins, with chocolate smeared all over her face, not even 2 inches in front of her TV laughing hysterically and pointing, saying, "ROBERT!  SHE ATE A FLY!!!!" (more laughter insterted here)

None the less, after i tackled her into the fireplace, i made her eat chocolate covered coffee beans until she threw up, and forced her to watch Doris Roberts recent nude scene in the film "Everybody loves Raymonds Mom", for 2 straight days.  I think that did the trick. 

But still my posts are gone.  She sold them on E-Bay for $15 each.  She also included a picture of Ray Ramano in the package, and told everyone that he was her "real" son, but im over that.  I just want my blogs back. 

There was the one entitled "Why i keep my right hand in my pocket at all times", and the one called "Whos hair is on my toothbrush, ah, who cares scrub scrub.", oh and the classic, "Spending time with Anna Nicole about a year and a half ago".

Well anyways, I wouldnt even know about the blogs being missing today, had i not been getting a recent massage, when Tibuki asked me, "Missa Jemmy, why no fonny stoowies anymoh?"  (i dont know how to type broken JapEnglish very well, ISORRY)

So thanks to Tibuki, and my new mom, Patricia Heaton, i was able to swing by Best Buy and steal a few keyboards with a few of my black friends.  (I was lookout)  And now i am back in action...ready to blog for the entire world to read.  Well for the 9 subscribers i have anyways.

PS.  If you didnt get the joke about "ROBERT, SHE ATE A FLY", well there is a raymond episode out there that might just make you pee yourself.  just ask my sister...

Should i get married? - July 1, 2006

So i decided to go grocery shopping the other night...at midnight...which by the way can be either very depressing or very liberating.  For me, it was liberating, because i ran naked down the frozen food aisle and only one person saw me!

By the way, quick piece of advice, should you ever get caught in a similar predicament, you know, running naked through the grocery...and someone stumbles upon you...simply grab two nearby spoons and start to play the "spoons" on your leg.  Either they will be so impressed by your "spooning" that they wont notice the nudity...or they will call security (keep in mind though, you are already armed with two spoons)  Hah...this old noggin' aint so dumb is it???

Anyways, Im at the grocery, and i was feeling VERY depressed.  It was really quiet.  It felt gloomy.  The music over the loudspeaker was playing "One is the lonliest number".  As i shuffled through the cereal aisle, i could swear that Captain Crunch looked right at me and called me a loser!!!

Back to the story....so i see this miserable looking little old man.  He is by himself as well, and he looks like he is half crazy.  He has a basket, and all he has in it is one gallon of milk.  Nothing else.  His pants are pulled up way too high, and his fuzzy gray hair had given up years ago.  He was just standing there staring at this Blood Pressure machine, almost like he would do anything for a quarter so he could stick his old finger in the slot. (Which by the way, shocked the fire out of me one time, dont mess with those).

Then it just hit me all at once...THAT'S ME IN 30 YEARS!!!!  I had a mild panic attack right there by the toilet paper and wheat thins.  I have never felt the urge more in my life to find a wife and impregnate her immediatly.  The little retarded lady that was sweeping the floor in the back was already a candidate to be my future lover.  (And i have to say, those big wide brooms that slide across the floor look REALLY fun...im going to get one for my kitchen)

Im rambling...so im seriously in a cold sweat, realizing that i will probably be standing here in 30 years (wishing i had some fuzzy gray hair), with a basket holding one gallon of milk, staring at a dusty machine trying to figure out which finger im gonna stick in it...i couldnt even bear to look at the man.  I felt sick to my stomach.

Then, out of nowhere, i hear this voice.  I can immediatly recognize the voice.  Ive heard it many times before.  The voice, very shaky, screeched out..."CaaaRL!!!....CaaaRL GET OVER HERE!!!".  The old man turns his head in my direction (I was hiding behind a lifesize cardboard cutout of Shaquille O'Neal eating Doritos), and rolls his eyes as if he just heard the most annoying noise in his 65 years of life.  And he had...

It was his wife... 

I need to vent - July 3rd, 2006

Im trying to deal with my anger on my own, without getting other people involved.  The only thing ive really found that helps is pulling my hair.  A lot.  Usually i try to pull from the crown of my head.  This is the one spot on my head that I really cant see, even in mirrors, so it just makes sense.  Im going to honest, sometimes hairs rip out when i do this.

I wonder if it makes me look like im balding.  Surely not.

Why am i angry you ask?  Oh yes, thats right, you asked...and i know it.  Im angry (today) because I dont like it when people put their picture on MySpace (you know, the one everybody sees), and use a pic with their boyfriend in it!!  Are you kidding me?  Seriously? 

ITS CALLED MY SPACE!!!!  As in YOUR VERY OWN, INDIVIDUAL, LITTLE TINY SPACE on the internet. 

You people need to go over to OurSpace.com and start a page there.  That website is for insecure people who dont like to be photographed alone, and feel the need to show everyone that they have a boyfriend.  Like its some massive accomplishment.  "Look at me!!!  A boy took a picture with me, and now im using it to identify myself!!!"

Ok so im bitter.  Oh i heard you say it under your breath.  Sitting over there mumbling like no ones listening.  Sheesh.  Im bitter.  Im insanely bitter that you look so darn happy in your picture...geez, your relationship must be just amazing.  Lemme guess, somewhere in your profile, you probably state that you are "In love with the most amazing man ever".

in a month, your friends will be writing little encouraging messages like, "Its OK girl!  You didnt need him anyways!!!  Welcome back to the single life!!!  We are gonna party all night!!!  Drink yourself stupid, and wind up naked somewhere, you'll feel better!!!"  Suddenly, your picture on MySpace will change to you just sitting there all by yourself (with your dog), and MySpace will have suddenly become a weapon simply used to try to get back at that jerk who broke your heart.

All new pictures of you having the time of your life being single with appear out of nowhere...as if he doesnt remember how insecure you were only a month ago.  After all, he only manipulated you enough to put his ugly mug next to yours on YOUR ONLY CHANCE AT BECOMING A FAMOUS INTERNET SUPERSTAR!!! 

Oh yeah, he's gonna believe that you just picked up your life and moved right on without him.  You'll have a new background of some hot actor, and you'll play some retarded song like, "I touch myself"...MEANWHILE, he looks at his phone and sees you called him 43 times, leaving message that sound like, "Hey its me again...look i know you are ignoring me, but we really need to talk.  I mean, i just dont understand what happened!  You never loved me did you?  You probably cheated on me all the time!!!  I bet your with her now arent you!  Who is she?  Im coming over there!  AND IM BRINGING MY NEW BOYFRIEND..........uh.......ZACK."

Yeah, and while your at it, swing by and pick up his friends Slater and Screech...

OK i feel better now.  Bye.

I'm a slacker - from July 26, 2006

Mary (one of my many many friends....on the computer) let me know today that i was slacking on my writing.  I felt the proper thing to do would be to post a blog explaining why i havent written in a few weeks.

As i explained in the beginning of my blogging, I generally don't stick to anything.  Once something in my life is up and running, I usually make up excuses in my head as to why i should avoid it.

Doesnt make sense?  Let me give you some examples...

I started my laundry 4 days ago.  I put the whites in first, and made sure i had the temparature of the water on hot.  As soon as it finished i put the laundry in the dryer to avoid mildew.   For the last 4 days, I've gone to my friggin dryer everytime i need socks.  My colored laundry is still in the basket, and now there are a bunch of white's on top of it!!

I went to 3 years of college, the entire time knowing I had no idea why i was even going.  I never had a major, I never had a goal, and the highlight of my year was when i got to take my books back at the end of the semester and get money for them.

Hence the fact, I dont know if ill ever be great at anything.  Once i start to get good at something, I usually just fart it all away instead of pushing myself to getting better.

Another example is the Bowflex commercial.  Sure i looked great then, and it paid well, and I got to use exercise equipment with hot women, but when casting calls came around for the second season of Bowflex commercials, I couldnt answer the phone because i had a cupcake stuck in my teeth!!!

One time i was eating an ice cream bar in bed in the middle of the night, and when i woke up there was a popsicle stick stuck to my sheets, with melted chocolate all over the place!   I thought i had pooped on my own face!!  (which would actually be quite an accomplishment if you think about it)

I've never read an entire magazine.  

Ive never learned to play the harmonica.  

And worst of all, when the lady that cuts my hair recommended a "special" type of shampoo for *coughbaldingcough*, i used it about 4 times, and then i realized it was taking up too much time in the shower, so i just quit..  By the way, i was able to sell that bottle on E-Bay for 42 cents, after shipping and handling.

Oh, and my friggin purple fish died after 6 months, and it took me an extra month to flush him down the toilet.  

I bought a dog once, probably the cutest puppy I've ever seen, and I gave it back 2 weeks later.  To my credit though, the dog DID pee on my pillow while i was sleeping...

So, i think ive gotten my point across.  It would be great if i could just post a blog everyday, and someday read back on my life and laugh...well...cry mostly, but I just cant stick with it.  I mean would it be such a crime for me to finish one stupid litt

Message in a Bottle - July 27, 2006

Random messages pop up in my box all the time, some people are looking for someone else named Jeremy, some are just looking for anyone that will talk to them.  But i have to ask you this....Have you ever gotten a message from someone that says..."Jeremy Glisson, is that you? Where have you been? We never even knew you moved away to Jackson MS!!!  When are you coming home???  Can we come there???   Are you a manager of a restaurant?  Wow that is soooo sexy.   Ever since you moved away, thingshere have been so boring.  Kenny got a girl pregnant, and school sucks as usual, OH and your dad caught a taco bell on fire!!!, and my Great Aunt Lucie died.  You have to remember her, you met her that time that we will white water rafting!!!  You were SOOOO MAD you had to ride in the same raft as her the whole time!!!!  And then on the car ride home, she sat by you in the back seat, and put her feet up on the shoulder rests.  I watched you dry heave in my mirror for at least an hour.  Im laughing histerically...,  Oh yeah, that house you were renting before you moved, yeah...that one (wink wink)...well it burned to the ground.  It sucks, but its probably best if you know what i mean....

So what have you been  up to, you never sent me your new number, so i just assumed you didnt have mine.  BUT NOW!!!  Thanks to MySpace I found you again.  Actually...WE.....found you again.  (Morgan and Kim are with me)

We were so crazy that one night.  We all took a pact that we would never ever ever tell ANYONE what we did. Have you told anyone?  The three of us all say we havent either.  (I told Aunt Lucie just to see her reaction)...did i mention she is dead?

Well I gotta go now.  And yes, im still working at Platinum Plus. Honey I told you....I'll strip until im rich!!  AND IM ALMOST THERE!!!  But the good thing about it, is that i get 4 days off a week in a row!  SO I can come be there with you in a couple of days!!!!

Ooops...i forgot to ask, you dont have a girlfriend do you...If you say no to that question, ill make sure you never regret it!!!! 

Lova Ya,  Jenny...so have you ever read one of those?  If you do, PLEASE SEND IT TO ME.  Ive been waiting for a letter just like that one since i was NINE.  Im at the point in time in my life when a non-married, no children, bald guy, starts to think about just stepping in to his midlife crisis a good 15 years early.  I looked at a large black lady's butt the other day.  WELL!  She was wearing nice fitted jeans!  Leave me alone.  And find me the letter.....please....